Amy writes, "The definition of fantasy in the dictionary is 'a creation of a creative imagination.' The act of fantasizing is a normal diversion for most of us, ... it can very quickly become a dangerous and destructive tool for those whose mental state is one of addiction and/or perversion...Fantasy is also an essential element in the lives of victims of pedophiles. Since their experiences cannot be shared, they must use their own psychological methods to escape the pain of abuse." page 58, para. 1 and 2. I remember when my parents bought our first TV. I would escape regularly into the lives of the women in movies. My favorite was Audrey Hepburn. She seemed so perfect. Even in tragic and dramatic scenes, she had poise and control. I wanted control in my life and the only way I could achieve it was through fantasy.
As I aged, fantasy was my escape. I was never able to date honestly. I overlooked my boyfriends shortcomings and convinced myself they were my prince charming, climbing the tower to rescue me. This type of denial and fantasy ultimately ended up with my getting pregnant and forced into marriage. I tried valiantly for 6 years to make my marriage work, overlooking the fact that my husband was unfaithful to me with multiple partners and stayed away from home days at a time. The next 6 years, he tried valiantly to save our marriage and make up for his indiscretions, but I could not forgive him. As I look back, I realize I had not begun my journey toward abuse recovery. I had blocked the painful memories. I was a victim through and through, but did not realize it. After my divorce was final, I continued to be a victim to several mentally abusive men. I refused to allow myself to feel worthy of the attention of a decent man. I became involved with men who lived long distances away to avoid commitment. I drank to much, partied too much and in general practiced self-destructive behavior.
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