Amy begins by saying, “We have seen in previous chapters that each facet of the pedophiles obsessive mind-set engenders a complementary feeling in the victim. Every situation that the pedophile designs in order to feel powerful results in a comparable feeling of powerlessness and lack of control in the victim. Often former child victims struggle as adults with issues of control since they were in such powerless situations when they were sexually abused. For each element of control that the pedophile inflicts, the child loses a bit more of his or her sense of strength.” page 104, para. 1 Amy goes on to describe her life from the age of 13 throughout adulthood. She was continually striving for perfection in every aspect of her life. She describes three areas specifically: 1) physically, 2) emotionally and 3) environmentally.
In the physical aspects of her life, she chose gymnastics because the moves were repeated, precise and controlled. She also never allowed herself to be ill. Throughout her primary and secondary education then through a decade of her career she never missed a day. She felt if she succumbed to physical illness, then somehow she was not in control of her body and would somehow be in danger. Physically, I was always active, playing basketball, volleyball, track, and joining in every possible organization. The only time I missed school was due to a nervous stomach. It seems that remembering my past still makes me feel ill. My weight has been up and down; I have been more out of control than in control. I hope that through this book, I can put the past behind me and improve my health.
Her emotional state was one of obsessive control. In college she regulated her sleep patterns to 4 hours per day, also feeling she must be in control of her mind at all times. To Amy relaxation meant her mind might stray to memories of the abuse she had successfully blocked. I too set alarms early and stayed up late to study, do my hair, etc. I never slept over 5 or 6 hours a night. I felt like I had a self-destructive personality disorder. In essence, I had obsessive/compulsive tendencies that manifested themselves negatively.
Controlling her environment manifested itself in her home. Because she had no control over what her grandfather and father did to her, as an adult she had no choice but to keep everything in its place at all times. A perfect house reflects a person in total control of their environment. I can see some similarities in this area of my life. I am a bit anal about keeping my house and car neat. If I let either go awry, I start feeling claustrophobic. I also hate leaving on vacation or even a weekend trip with an unsightly kitchen, beds unmade, clothes unwashed ... . I even wash my poor blind dogs face every time she eats. My mother coming for a visit was a several week ordeal. I worked full time so I would not sleep. I was determined that everything be perfect. However, now I realize that was a futile effort. No matter how perfect my home was, she would begin criticizing and cleaning my house the moment she arrived. I was unsuccessful at wresting control of my life from her. As far as she was concerned, I was always her bad little girl.
Your comments are appreciated.
No comments:
Post a Comment