Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 13, Alan: Using Secrets to Entice and Ensnare , book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Alan, the pedophile, shares how he manipulates young boys into his private world of secrets and abuse. Parents should use this information to realize that once a pedophile selects your child, they are diligent and patient. To gain access to your child, they will do what ever is necessary to earn your trust. Page 89, para. 4, Alan writes to Amy, "As a pedophile, I feel that I used secrecy in two different but interrelated ways. I initially used secrecy to entice my victims into getting close to me and ultimately to ensnare them into compliance and silence. And I used secrecy as a way of avoiding punishment as seen in the next chapter." Looking back, I realize how my younger brother used my vulnerability as a single parent to gain access to my sons. He watched and waited until I was desperate, then offered personal comfort or financial aid. He taught my sons to fish and camp. To gain our trust, he became a constant male figure in our lives, before he attempted any abuse. Alan wrote, "Although I tailored my approach to suit the individual victim, the overall process seldom varied. First I would test the boy in some simple fashion to see if he had the ability to keep a secret. In doing this, I would usually, when we were alone, make some intended mistake. I would, for example, swear in front of him. Having done this, I would explain that I should not have and ask him to keep my mistake just between the two of us. I would also be careful to point out that the reasons for not telling his parents was that if they worried about my being a bad influence on him, he might not be allowed to spend time with me, and then we couldn't enjoy going to the video arcades or to whatever other activities I knew he enjoyed. In this initial step I wanted to make the boy see the keeping of secrets as just something that we did to keep us together and to keep both of us out of any trouble. When he assured me that he wouldn't tell, I would make sure to reward him with some simple thing, like going bowling or fishing, and made sure that he felt trusted and 'grown-up' because this adult was dealing with him on a different level." I was very lucky as a parent that my sons came to me the first time my younger brother tried to touch them inappropriately. However, the mental manipulation had been accomplished. Once I found out what was going on and talked to my sons, they were hurt and protective of their uncle, but I thought they understood they did not have to do anything they did not want to do with anyone regardless of age or position of authority, ever again.

Remember how we all wanted to grow up so fast when we were children. My brothers both used the method of exposing children to inappropriate material and conversations for their age. Such as tasting alcohol, smoking cigarettes, viewing pornography, cursing, driving a car, hanging out with their older friends, and the list goes on. All in the name of gaining the child's confidence and trust gradually, and of course, teaching them to keep secrets from their parents.

This chapter serves as a sexual abuse primer for parents. Pay attention to your child's habits. If they consistently play with the same children, change their routine and observe the reaction. For instance, if your child asks to go with a friend or stay overnight, suggest a joint activity for you and your child to do together (e.g. something you know under past circumstances your child loved doing). If your child rebels in an uncharacteristic way, be suspicious. For on the possible chance your child is being manipulated by a pedophile, your child will go to extraordinary lengths to please their abuser.

Remain cautiously suspicious of your child's activity with others. And be actively involved in your child's life. Make it a habit to attend a movie, or go bowling, or go over to their friends house on unannounced occasions. Pay attention to how your child and their friends and their friends sibling's and their friends parent's react to your presence. If they treat you as an intruder, then perhaps your suspicions are accurate. It's quite possible your observations are without merit, but on the chance your child is being manipulated by a pedophile you owe it to your child to remain vigilant. Pedophilia breeds on secrecy and each pedophile teaches his victims how to perpetuate the cycle. We must address it with our children and break the cycle.

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