Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 23: The Public and Pedophilia, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 23: The Public and Pedophilia

Amy: Megan's Law has tremendous impact on both the public and the pedophile. There is frequent news coverage of the reactions of communities to the disclosure of the proximity of released convicts. Public outrage is wide and can be inflammatory. I find this legislation troubling and complex its position implies that pedophiles do not reenter society rehabilitated and that the prison experience does little to deter the offender from offending again. I agree with Amy when she says that the prison system has failed to treat pedophiles, however, Alan's letters prove that the pedophile cannot be cured. He wrote over and over about the inmates that had received therapy, when confronted with temptation returned to their old ways. Should our society treat a first time sex offender as harshly as we treat repeat offenders? I say yes. Show me proof that a pedophile can be cured and I may change my mind. All I know is once you are subjected to abuse your life is never the same. We should do everything to protect our children from pedophiles.

Alan: "Imprisonment is not and can never be a substitute for therapy. On top of this, imprisonment in a system that turns a blind eye to the repeated brutal treatment of your pedophiles does nothing but instill within them a sense of rage." page 193, para. 4 "I have heard of two different cases, both of which were young pedophiles subjected to abusive behavior during the period of their imprisonments; Both of these guys were released from prison. Shortly after their releases, both of them acted out sexually against young boys. In both cases, the victims of their second, post release crimes ended up being murdered."page 194, para 2. "When I was fourteen or so, and knew that I had a major problem, I also knew that there was no place to turn. My one parent who was aware of the problem simply did not know how to handle it and ended up refusing to admit that the problem existed. Had I admitted to other adults that I had fantasies and thought of unnatural sexual activities with little children. I would have been marked for life as some sort of freak and virtually cast out of society. For a teenage or younger pedophile today, nothing has changed. page 195, para 1. I tried to reach my younger brother to no avail. I knew he needed help and I tried to get him help but he would not cooperate. Was he afraid of being locked up? Yes. Did I think he needed to be locked up? Yes. I told my brother never to return to the small town where he was accused of improper behavior with a co-workers young son, and where he lost his job. However he returned to the boy and was caught in the boys home by the boys Mother. That was the incident that sent my brother to jail for 6 years. Did he receive any therapy in jail? He told my mother that he had not. Today he is released from prison and on the sexual offenders list. Do I think he has stopped abusing children? No! I believe there is no cure for pedophilia and once identified, they should be locked up for life with no access to children. One strike and your out!

Parents should check the list of sexual offenders in and around the neighborhoods their children play and walk to school in. They should check the list for all of the zip codes that are included in the school their children attend. This list is available. Understandably there are pedophiles that have never been caught, but at least this list is a starting place. If the parents or brother, aunt or uncle of one of the children in your child's school is a sexual offender, then your child could be at great risk of being abused at school. Alan wrote about many of his victims becoming pedophiles themselves.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile, Chapter 22: Alan: Pedophilia After Incarceration, book by: Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 22, Alan: Pedophilia After Incarceration

Alan had four years of incarceration at an institute for recovery prior to being sent to prison. During the time at the institute he observed other addictive personalities, their crimes, their behavior during incarceration, their release and their repeated offense which too quickly landed them right back into the system. "Alan divides the re-offending ex-cons into three major classifications: those who just really didn't care about their lives and used their time in this program as nothing more than a means of providing themselves with a comfortable place to do time; those who were genuinely concerned about re-offending, but because they were tightly confined and thereby deprived of their drug of choice (either alcohol, drugs, or sexual objects ), began to think of themselves as "cured,", and didn't feel that it was necessary to put the needed work into preparing themselves for reentry into a worlds filled with temptations; and those who never actually came to realize that they had a problem. I would divide this final group into two subgroups: those who simply refused to accept any real responsibility for their previous behavior and preferred to 'justify' their distorted thinking and actions by blaming circumstances, other people, fat, etc.; and those who learned to master the therapy game."

My younger brother fell into the last group. While in prison he proclaimed to be a new born christian. Of course, we were all raised Catholic and had always been Christians. I fail to see how you can be reborn a Christian over and over which is what I had observed him doing all his adult life. At one point, he thought about applying to the priesthood. However, he did not have a college degree so he had to obtain that first. Funny, he didn't obtain his degree in Theology. I received many letters from him while he was in prison, however, I threw them away without reading them. My husband retrieved one of them from the trash and read it. Then convinced me to read it. My brother still professed his innocence and did it in the name of God! He went on and on about how he had forgiven me and he was worried about my soul. I threw out that letter and never read another.




Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile, Chapter 21, Alan: Life in Prison, book by, Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 21, Alan: Life in Prison

Amy notes, "After Alan was discovered, he fled to a unit at a hospital that specialized in treating pedophilia. There he was treated while awaiting his formal charges and incarceration." page 175, para. 2. After Alan was convicted and sent to the Federal prison in with the general population, his living conditions were similar to documentaries seen on television of prison life. However, his description of the years he spent at the treatment center surprised me. Alan four years after his arrest, " Looking back, I realize that it was not until I was put on Depo and later Lupron, (these are both drugs that inhibit or reduce the production of testosterone) that I had any feeling for what life could be without living under the constant pressure of sexual drives and desires. After two weeks on Lupron, my entire life truly changed. Ever since I was a preschool child, sex had been the predominant issue in my life. I cannot remember a period in my life when I was not acting out and spending endless hours lost in fantasy and plotting. Throughout the entire course of my life, nothing that I did proved sufficient to break this destructive obsession until I was put on Lupron. page 175 para.3. I think this paragraph is striking. I never dreamed a preschool child could be sexually abnormal. All I have ever heard from Pediatrician's is children having sexual reactions is normal and as a parent you should not make a big thing out of it. Obviously, Alan was out of control of his own body at a very young age and needed chemicals to balance his testosterone levels preschool. Alan pondered, "I can't tell you how many times I lay in bed at night asking myself what life could have been like if I had been given this drug twenty or thirty hears earlier. I have the same question in my mind. How different would my life have been if my brothers sexual desires had been chemically altered? Was I oversexed at an early age? Was my hormone levels too high? Did a physical abnormality make me into a prime victim? I will never know the answer to this question. Our county gave immunization shots to all children at school, so I was seldom seen by a Dr. except for an annual physical for sports insurance through the school. I cannot remember blood ever being drawn so I cannot go back to review old records. Our children deserve an answer to these questions and protection.

I will research this question and more: "Does a pediatrician chart children's hormone levels as common practice?" If so, what do they do with the results? Alan was a grown man in prison before he had enough information to consider he could have led a different life. Our medical system certainly let Alan down, and I believe let me and my brothers down as well.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile, Chapter 20, Amy: Alan Gets Caught. book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 20 - Amy: Alan Gets Caught

Amy writes, "Alan was eventually caught after a mother found a Polaroid of her son in a sexual position while she was cleaning his room." Many victims came forward after Alan's arrest. He was finally convicted of over a thousand acts of Pedophilia and is currently serving life without parole. Amy's description of the trial and her experiences with other Pedophiles in prison are just as alarming. She naturally developed a connection with Alan over the years they spent corresponding, never condoning what he did and never thinking his punishment was too severe. Amy, as many Doctors, agree there is no cure for Pedophilia.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 19 - Alan: The Ritual, book by: Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Due to the overwhelming content, again, my comments will be brief. I am sickened by Alan's writings. Alan had reached a point where he not only knew no boundaries, he was finding it exceedingly difficult to reach the emotional highs he so desired. Alan wrote, "The process was sexual, and extremely sadistic, although not in the physical way. What I wanted (and was determined to get) was to have both youngsters see the other, and then himself, totally give up. I wanted both to feel that they were powerless to resist anything." Alan continued to, as he put it, "act out" for another 20 years becoming more and more brazen and dangerous. He feels like writing these letters will somehow enlighten parents to understand the illness of pedophilia and in his mind, "Pedophilia is no more an act of control than it is an act of sex or rage or any other single element. But I hope that from what I have written, you will see that the element of control is critical and is one that clearly needs to be understood if we are ever to deal effectively with pedophilia."

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile, Chapter 18: Alan: Escalation , book by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 18: Alan Escalation

My review of this and the following chapters will be brief. The letters Alan wrote at this time are very hard to read, especially since child abuse is a constant factor in my life. I love my brothers. They are my family. It has been extremely hard for me not to fly to their sides during life threatening illnesses, but I am afraid to open the door even a tiny crack. I am afraid to see the monster again and be faced with reporting them to the authorities. What if my giving in to see them is construed in their minds as my accepting their pedophilia as OK? Alan said repeatedly that if a family brought him into their home, then they were initiating and setting up their child to be a victim? Is that one of the reasons I am writing this book? Am I gaining the strength to lock them up? Only time will tell.

Alan begins with, "The First Escalation: 'Despite all of the extra steps that I'd added to the selection process, my plan up until this point had always been to pick two victims, take them together for a weekend, and force them to perform jointly. The idea that I could pick any two and make this happen was exciting to me, I now began thinking of something even more exciting - something which would prove that I had even more control over both victims.'"

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 17: Alan: Life as an Adult Offender, book by, Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 17 - Alan: Life as an Adult Offender

Alan's adult life proceeds from one victim to another. To avoid being caught he moved a lot, never had a real career, never changed, "After high school I joined the military for a couple of years in the hopes I could alter my path away from pedophilia. That didn't happen. What did happen was that I met another pedophile and discovered that my horrifying acts were not just mine alone." page 121, para. 1. I thought reading this that if Alan was ever going to change his ways it would be after witnessing the dishonorable discharge of his military associate and the public disgrace that accompanied their horrendous sexual perversions. Contrarily this discovery only pushed Alan to be more careful and make sure he never got caught.

After his military obligations were over Alan moved to a large City, one of his first social contacts was through a church. Being a young single man he found he was invited into homes for dinner frequently. He saw his new path to victims and was determined to devise a way to make sure he wasn't caught. As in the past, he took his time because he found a lot of pleasure in the planning stage and he knew from the past he had to get the parents under his control first, then start with the boys. He selected families with sons in his victim range or close to it. At first, he would pretend that the child made him very uncomfortable and he would rather not be around the child. Then gradually he would warm up to the child, all along the parents feeling glad because Alan was warming up to family life and their child. Alan goes on to say, "The excitement of manipulating the boy right under his parents' noses was a new type of high for me. I frequently found myself doing things I had never considered before. On many occasions when visiting one of my victim's homes, I would get him aside for a few moments and tell him that he was to go to his room, remove his shirt, and take his pants down to his ankles. when he was ready, he was to call me, asking me to come see something. I would then move quickly to his room see the boy standing exactly as I had instructed, fondle him, slip him a dollar, and return to the adults. This resulted in a tremendous feeling of being in control.." page 123, para. 2. Alan's molestation of young boys in this community escalated beyond my belief. He would be at a party and molest a boy in the bathroom. He would convince the parents to let him be overnight with the boy because they were going out or because Alan had planned a special day that included overnight. Alan felt unstoppable.

Alan's thought process was so different from our own. How is a parent to guard against someone they cannot understand? Alan said, "I didn't see any of the offers of friendship that were extended to me by so many families and individuals as genuine acts of kindness, trust, and sharing. Instead I increasingly looked upon these people as using me. I mentally twisted invitations into demands - occasions when I was being asked to do something to once again keep them happy. As had always been my habit in life, I twisted reality - a distortion I then attempted to use as a mental justification for my being entitled to get what I wanted for a change. As always, I opted to see myself as the victim." page 124, para. 1. Alan went on like this for years, then eventually became the scout leader of the church where he was surrounded by young boys whenever he wanted. This situation of an abusive adult being put in a position of authority over a child, sadly happens in our society way too often. I was forced to look upon my older brother as a father figure and I forced my sons to do the same with my younger brother. Luckily there was no physical abuse, just the crippling abuse of a child's love and trust.

I think back to my life and my brothers and I find similarities with both of them. They were both always active in church groups. They were always "helping" other families with their problems. When confronted, they were always the victim which my mother believed and supported them completely. Many years after I admitted the truth to myself about my brothers, my mother told me a story about my younger brother. He was in the Navy in San Francisco and then suddenly he was out of the Navy and home. At the time, my brother told me he requested a discharge because of mental stress. He was a Chaplain's assistant and could no longer handle his job. I was suspicious, but did not have the strength to fight with him or my mother any longer, so I dropped it. After he was arrested, my mother confided in me that the real reason he was discharged from the Navy was because the MP's had caught him with a very young male prostitute and the Navy court had determined my brother was as undesirable and gave him his discharge papers. This discharge cost my mother $10,000.00 in attorney fees. She actually told me and was sincere saying, "Your brother had always been misunderstood. I am sure he is innocent of these charges."

This chapter goes on and on about Alan's abuse of children and how he turned it around in his mind that he was the victim, "By my early twenties, I saw a twisted type of balance in my life. We clearly lived jointly, in two different worlds. In their world, I was a monster, a thing. And in my world they , while not being monsters, were very much things. As a self-created victim, I chose to see "them" as always using me, therefore I felt no qualms about my using "them". In this mindset, I would have not more qualms about using your child that I would of using your car. My view was clear. In their world, they controlled me, and in my world, I controlled everything." I think back and remember all the times my brother offered to watch my sons when I had to go out of town on work, or when my mother would call and want us to spend the weekend with her. After my father's death at 62, she threatened to commit suicide on many occasions. For 2 years, I spent every weekend and sometimes during the week with her out of fear. All those times I thought I was doing the right thing being by my mothers side when she needed me. It makes me sick to think about the manipulation I was putting my sons through. Finally, my younger son came to me at eight and told me he was not comfortable with his uncle by himself. My older son said his uncle had always been weird with he and his friends, but he was not a physical threat. Children should not have to be confronted with making these types of decisions. I ask myself again, what is a parent to do? Not trust anyone? I think the only answer is to be honest with the child about his or her sexuality, be honest about abusive/sick people in the world and create a communication path the child is comfortable with telling their parents everything.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 16: Alan: Control, book by, Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 16 – Alan: Control

Alan begins, “After I was arrested, a doctor who is a leading authority on pedophilia told me that sex really wasn't the driving force behind my perverted actions. At the time, I thought that this was the stupidest statement I had ever heard. I was convinced that everything I had ever done in life had always been centered on what I saw as my uncontrollable perverted sexual desires. As soon as I heard him utter those words, I was angry. I was mad because after all those years of hiding in my twisted world of sexual fantasies and perverted offending, my carefully maintained facade had finally been ripped away, and I was in a position where I could speak honestly and openly with a leading expert. And his answer seemed totally wrong. Was he nuts? How could I have spent my entire life, both as a child and adult, constantly molesting little boys and now have him try to tell me that sex was not really at the root of it all?” After my younger brother was arrested, I remember conversations I had with him prior to his trial that were very similar to Alan's comments about himself. My brother was incredulous that he was actually accused of improper behavior with a minor. He swore to me that everything he and his victim had done was completely voluntary. “They were in love.” He also went on to explain he was trying to save the boy from neglect by his drug addicted mother. He was very angry the police would believe a worthless mother's drug induced rantings above an upstanding citizen such as himself (my brother was a manager of a nursing home in a very small South Texas Town). He had picked his victim very well and he thought himself above the law, or at least above the scandal of publicly accusing him. He was sure the nursing home and the boy would avoid any public knowledge of his pedophilia.

My brother was tried and convicted of improper behavior with a minor. He spent 6 years in jail. As part of his defense, he was interviewed by a doctor, and was told he was definitely a pedophile. He preferred boys from the ages of 11 to 14. Of course, this interview was used against him by the prosecution. The similarity of my brother to Alan is uncanny. My brother convinced his Attorney he was totally innocent of any wrong doing and had no idea why the boy and druggie mother were lying about him. I suppose in his enthusiasm to convince the attorney of his innocence, he agreed to the psychological test, or perhaps he thought he had gotten by with abuse so many times in the past he could do it again. I don't really know what he was thinking because I never spoke to him again, however, I can and do see similarities between Alan and my brother. They both continued to escalate the abuse of their victims, and in the case of my brother, he could not give up on the boy he abused even after being caught because he was “in control”.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 15: Amy: Obsession with Control, book by: Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 15 – Amy: Obsession with Control

Amy begins by saying, “We have seen in previous chapters that each facet of the pedophiles obsessive mind-set engenders a complementary feeling in the victim. Every situation that the pedophile designs in order to feel powerful results in a comparable feeling of powerlessness and lack of control in the victim. Often former child victims struggle as adults with issues of control since they were in such powerless situations when they were sexually abused. For each element of control that the pedophile inflicts, the child loses a bit more of his or her sense of strength.” page 104, para. 1 Amy goes on to describe her life from the age of 13 throughout adulthood. She was continually striving for perfection in every aspect of her life. She describes three areas specifically: 1) physically, 2) emotionally and 3) environmentally.

In the physical aspects of her life, she chose gymnastics because the moves were repeated, precise and controlled. She also never allowed herself to be ill. Throughout her primary and secondary education then through a decade of her career she never missed a day. She felt if she succumbed to physical illness, then somehow she was not in control of her body and would somehow be in danger. Physically, I was always active, playing basketball, volleyball, track, and joining in every possible organization. The only time I missed school was due to a nervous stomach. It seems that remembering my past still makes me feel ill. My weight has been up and down; I have been more out of control than in control. I hope that through this book, I can put the past behind me and improve my health.

Her emotional state was one of obsessive control. In college she regulated her sleep patterns to 4 hours per day, also feeling she must be in control of her mind at all times. To Amy relaxation meant her mind might stray to memories of the abuse she had successfully blocked. I too set alarms early and stayed up late to study, do my hair, etc. I never slept over 5 or 6 hours a night. I felt like I had a self-destructive personality disorder. In essence, I had obsessive/compulsive tendencies that manifested themselves negatively.

Controlling her environment manifested itself in her home. Because she had no control over what her grandfather and father did to her, as an adult she had no choice but to keep everything in its place at all times. A perfect house reflects a person in total control of their environment. I can see some similarities in this area of my life. I am a bit anal about keeping my house and car neat. If I let either go awry, I start feeling claustrophobic. I also hate leaving on vacation or even a weekend trip with an unsightly kitchen, beds unmade, clothes unwashed ... . I even wash my poor blind dogs face every time she eats. My mother coming for a visit was a several week ordeal. I worked full time so I would not sleep. I was determined that everything be perfect. However, now I realize that was a futile effort. No matter how perfect my home was, she would begin criticizing and cleaning my house the moment she arrived. I was unsuccessful at wresting control of my life from her. As far as she was concerned, I was always her bad little girl.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 14: Alan: Secrecy as a Means of Avoiding Punishment, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 14 concerns Alan's commitment to pedophilia and his unlikeliness of getting caught. In his letters to Amy, he outlines his approach to his victims, and reveals he abused over 1,000 young boys before discovery.

Page 1, para. 2:

• "Point One: Determine the emotional impact on the victim."
• "Point Two: Attempt to get the victim to minimize the crime and see it as a "once-in-a-lifetime" mistake.
• "Point Three: Introduce the element of large-scale rewards for the victim's being 'such a special person'"
• "Point Four: Make the victim see that he is not the only one and that one other special friend learned to benefit from being cooperative. "

The similarities of the sequence of Alan's outline of a pedophile methods relates to my abuse:

• Emotional Impact - I was devastated by my abuse, but when I told my mother, she blamed me for the abuse. She was an enabler of my abuse.

• Minimize the crime - He backed away from abusing me for awhile, and pretended to protect me from the neighbors. He and my Mother made sure I wasn't going to tell anyone what happened to me, even my father.

• Rewards - My brother was tolerant of anything I did. He would let me hang around him and his friends and treat me like I was a princess. Once I started school, he even gave me money to buy candy every day at school. My mother gave him the money as I mentioned earlier in this blog and instructed him to keep the fact the money came from her as their secret.

• Not the only one - My mother told me she had been abused as a girl. I was not special and to basically get over myself. I was my brothers victim for 5 years, then he left home.

In closing his letter to Amy, Alan says, "There is a saying in most recovery programs to the effect that we are only as sick as our secrets and our need for secrets. Secrets destroy, and the need for the seeming excitement and importance of secrets in our lives clearly points out a very troubled and, I believe, potentially dangerous personality. Today, when I hear someone use the term 'innocent secret', I cringe, for there isn't any such entity. Innocence and secrecy are mutually exclusive states, and the only time that they seem to come together is when one is being used to destroy the other."

My innocence seemed destroyed at age 5. I remember being considered a serious child. My mother hated to be in the kitchen. When my sister was home, she cooked and cleaned with my help. She left home when I was 8 and after that I was in charge of the kitchen for the most part. By the time I was 13, I was in charge of planning, buying, and preparing the food. As long as I kept the family secret, she was in control of me and in control of protecting her sons. It wasn't until after my second husband died, through rehab and therapy that I came to realize I had to break away from my mother and brothers. No more secrets, no more control. I could begin the healing process.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 13, Alan: Using Secrets to Entice and Ensnare , book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Alan, the pedophile, shares how he manipulates young boys into his private world of secrets and abuse. Parents should use this information to realize that once a pedophile selects your child, they are diligent and patient. To gain access to your child, they will do what ever is necessary to earn your trust. Page 89, para. 4, Alan writes to Amy, "As a pedophile, I feel that I used secrecy in two different but interrelated ways. I initially used secrecy to entice my victims into getting close to me and ultimately to ensnare them into compliance and silence. And I used secrecy as a way of avoiding punishment as seen in the next chapter." Looking back, I realize how my younger brother used my vulnerability as a single parent to gain access to my sons. He watched and waited until I was desperate, then offered personal comfort or financial aid. He taught my sons to fish and camp. To gain our trust, he became a constant male figure in our lives, before he attempted any abuse. Alan wrote, "Although I tailored my approach to suit the individual victim, the overall process seldom varied. First I would test the boy in some simple fashion to see if he had the ability to keep a secret. In doing this, I would usually, when we were alone, make some intended mistake. I would, for example, swear in front of him. Having done this, I would explain that I should not have and ask him to keep my mistake just between the two of us. I would also be careful to point out that the reasons for not telling his parents was that if they worried about my being a bad influence on him, he might not be allowed to spend time with me, and then we couldn't enjoy going to the video arcades or to whatever other activities I knew he enjoyed. In this initial step I wanted to make the boy see the keeping of secrets as just something that we did to keep us together and to keep both of us out of any trouble. When he assured me that he wouldn't tell, I would make sure to reward him with some simple thing, like going bowling or fishing, and made sure that he felt trusted and 'grown-up' because this adult was dealing with him on a different level." I was very lucky as a parent that my sons came to me the first time my younger brother tried to touch them inappropriately. However, the mental manipulation had been accomplished. Once I found out what was going on and talked to my sons, they were hurt and protective of their uncle, but I thought they understood they did not have to do anything they did not want to do with anyone regardless of age or position of authority, ever again.

Remember how we all wanted to grow up so fast when we were children. My brothers both used the method of exposing children to inappropriate material and conversations for their age. Such as tasting alcohol, smoking cigarettes, viewing pornography, cursing, driving a car, hanging out with their older friends, and the list goes on. All in the name of gaining the child's confidence and trust gradually, and of course, teaching them to keep secrets from their parents.

This chapter serves as a sexual abuse primer for parents. Pay attention to your child's habits. If they consistently play with the same children, change their routine and observe the reaction. For instance, if your child asks to go with a friend or stay overnight, suggest a joint activity for you and your child to do together (e.g. something you know under past circumstances your child loved doing). If your child rebels in an uncharacteristic way, be suspicious. For on the possible chance your child is being manipulated by a pedophile, your child will go to extraordinary lengths to please their abuser.

Remain cautiously suspicious of your child's activity with others. And be actively involved in your child's life. Make it a habit to attend a movie, or go bowling, or go over to their friends house on unannounced occasions. Pay attention to how your child and their friends and their friends sibling's and their friends parent's react to your presence. If they treat you as an intruder, then perhaps your suspicions are accurate. It's quite possible your observations are without merit, but on the chance your child is being manipulated by a pedophile you owe it to your child to remain vigilant. Pedophilia breeds on secrecy and each pedophile teaches his victims how to perpetuate the cycle. We must address it with our children and break the cycle.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 12 - Amy: Secrets, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 12 - Amy: Secrets

Amy, page 79, para 2 "Writing this book was originally fraught with difficult decisions about what to divulge and what to keep private. Yet I could not write a book about the damage caused by keeping secrets and simultaneously not reveal my secret. So, although I felt I risked losing the family I was born into, not keeping any secrets in this book was necessary and something important enough to risk that loss." Keeping my childhood abuse secret risked that my sons might be abused by my younger brother and that my niece might be abused by my older brother (her father). As it turned out both occurred.

I did not find out about my niece's abuse until I came out into the open with my secret. While attending a luncheon together, the speaker asked the audience to raise hands if we were victims of child abuse. To our mutual surprise and dismay we both raised our hands. We were both abused at the hands of the same family member, my brother, her father. In a way, I blame myself for her abuse. At the very least, I feel responsible. I had many opportunities to tell my niece's mother what my brother, (her husband) had done to me. However, at that time I had blocked everything associated with child abuse from my mind. When my niece told me of her abuse at the hands of my brother, I asked her where her mother was during these incidents and all she could answer was she didn't know. Her parents eventually divorced, and my niece built a close relationship with her Mother. I never forgave mine.

I'm glad I told my family, “the abuse within our family stops now”. Outside my immediate family, I have told my brother's second wife what he did to me but she refuses to believe. Moreover, my niece told her what he did to her and she refuses to believe her as well. Each of us must remove the cloak of secrecy and shine headlights on those who have abused us. We owe that to those who stand to become child abuse victims in the future.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 11: Amy: Fantasy as a Vehicle for Denial, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Amy discusses her state of mind after her second divorce, " It was almost unbearably difficult to put my needs first and to cause another so much pain. The guilt I experienced was almost overwhelming, and for the only time in my life, I needed medication to manage my depression." Amy keeps remembering the abuses she endured at the hands of her father and grand father. She keeps asking herself if she were living the same life of denial as her mother. She wonders if her life were a fantasy? Will she have the confidence to be honest with herself? Child abuse victims find it extremely difficult to overcome feelings of self-doubt, self-sacrifice, guilt and fear imprinted at an early age.

As I pick through the past trying to make some sense of my life, I ask similar questions: What do I want from life? What do I expect from the people around me? Why am I here? What is my destiny? I don't have the answers, but I'm determined to continue the journey toward a healthier life. I take deep breaths, pause to appreciate small pleasures around me, and awake each day as no ones victim.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 10: Alan: My Disturbing Fantasy World, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

This chapter is disturbing for me. Having an older brother and a younger brother that are pedophiles is bad enough, looking inside their brain is maddening. I don't know where to start except to encourage you to read this chapter for yourself. Alan said, "As I have pointed out, pedophiles want to see themselves as victims in order to justify their not setting any personal limits. Seeing ourselves as the ones being victimized allows us to do anything without any real sense of guilt or responsibility. For anyone who wants to perpetuate a view of himself as a victim, fantasy is a very effective tool. Even in creating our fantasies, however, pedophiles attempt to find ways of avoiding responsibility." About 3 years before my second husband died, he wanted to help my younger brother escape the tight, overbearing grip my mother had on him. My brother had been fired from yet another job for improper behavior with a child. Once again my brother was being "falsely accused" of abusing a young boy. I knew enough at that point to realize he was guilty again as in all the other firings for improper advances toward young boys.

When I questioned my brother, he turned the conversation around accusing me of not loving him and not having any faith in him. He threatened to kill himself so I could be rid of him permanently. This guilt trip went on until I just gave up questioning him. I talked my brother into visiting a psychiatrist who had helped me through a bout of depression. Of course he lied to the psychiatrist about his real problem: pedophilia. He was afraid that a psychiatrist would turn a confessed pedophile over to the authorities. The psychiatrist gave my brother samples of Zoloft to break the destructive cycle of insomnia, suicidal thoughts, and self loathing (or at least these were the symptoms he shared with me).

The psychiatrist asked that my brother return in 2 weeks for a follow up visit. When the date rolled around, he refused to honor the appointment. My brother confessed he had stopped taking the medication after a few days because he could not remember his dreams. I was confused and asked if he thought living a somewhat 'normal' life was more important than remembering your dreams? He looked at me like I was crazy and said "remembering my dreams is the most important thing to me."

I did not understand then that he was most likely referring to his ability to fantasize, masturbate, and eventually get to a place where he could victimize again. He soon started paying attention to my 15 year old neighbor, so I suggested it was time for him to move out of my house. My husband preferred to give him the benefit of his love and understanding and counseled my brother to come out of the closet and live a healthy homosexual life with a loving male partner. My husband erroneously considered my brother a homosexual rather than a pedophile.

Soon my brother got a job and moved out of our house. It took him about a year to be fired from this job for making improper advances to one of the female employees 5-year old sons. My brother had volunteered to babysit for her while she went out and partied. Right! I found out about all of this when he came running to me for help. As usual, my husband wanted to help him and I reluctantly allowed him back into our lives. I got my brother a job on an offshore drilling rig. I thought that at least for 21 days he could not hurt a child. We tried to get my brother to stay in our spare bedroom when he was on-shore, but he no longer felt comfortable around us so off he went back to my mother's enabling arms, only to end up being arrested and imprisoned for 6 years. I have not spoken to him in 10 years and have no intention to do so. I realize that I enabled my brother to continue to prey on young boys and that had I not come to his rescue on several occasions, he would have been imprisoned far sooner.

I know a lot more now about pedophiles from reading this book. I am glad and relieved that I finally removed myself from both of my brothers lives.

Your comments are appreciated.

Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 9: Amy: Fantasy, book written by Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Amy writes, "The definition of fantasy in the dictionary is 'a creation of a creative imagination.' The act of fantasizing is a normal diversion for most of us, ... it can very quickly become a dangerous and destructive tool for those whose mental state is one of addiction and/or perversion...Fantasy is also an essential element in the lives of victims of pedophiles. Since their experiences cannot be shared, they must use their own psychological methods to escape the pain of abuse." page 58, para. 1 and 2. I remember when my parents bought our first TV. I would escape regularly into the lives of the women in movies. My favorite was Audrey Hepburn. She seemed so perfect. Even in tragic and dramatic scenes, she had poise and control. I wanted control in my life and the only way I could achieve it was through fantasy.

As I aged, fantasy was my escape. I was never able to date honestly. I overlooked my boyfriends shortcomings and convinced myself they were my prince charming, climbing the tower to rescue me. This type of denial and fantasy ultimately ended up with my getting pregnant and forced into marriage. I tried valiantly for 6 years to make my marriage work, overlooking the fact that my husband was unfaithful to me with multiple partners and stayed away from home days at a time. The next 6 years, he tried valiantly to save our marriage and make up for his indiscretions, but I could not forgive him. As I look back, I realize I had not begun my journey toward abuse recovery. I had blocked the painful memories. I was a victim through and through, but did not realize it. After my divorce was final, I continued to be a victim to several mentally abusive men. I refused to allow myself to feel worthy of the attention of a decent man. I became involved with men who lived long distances away to avoid commitment. I drank to much, partied too much and in general practiced self-destructive behavior.

Your comments are appreciated.