Conversation With a Pedophile: Chapter 27 - Amy: Strategies for Better Communication, book by, Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin

Chapter 27 - Amy: Strategies for Better Communication

Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin wants to focus on prevention of child abuse by offering suggestions to parents on ways of opening up paths of communication. When parents ask Dr. Hammel-Zabin about protecting their children she answers, "Communication. This may seem too general and too obvious, but I believe that parents can establish methods of communicating with their children that are unlike anything we have seen before in parenting. It's important to remember that until a generation ago or so, the conventional wisdom dictated that children were to be seen and not heard and that adults - any adults - are the ultimate authorities in a child's life." page 212, para. 3. Thankfully, this attitude has changed in most cultures, however, parents are still not able to talk about anything as terrifying and private as childhood sexual abuse. Family discussion groups are critical to open communication. Set up an appointment time with your family of approximately 30 minutes to an hour depending on their age and attention span. The rules of the family discussion group are, no rules. This is one time the child can say anything they want to with no reprimand. Assure them all topics are open for discussion, from curse words, movies, friends, family, sex, birth, death, suicide, masturbation, anything they have heard, seen or think can be discussed. Open communication between a child and parent takes time and a parent must make communication a vital part of the family life. If your child is old enough start them writing in a journal. Often a child will write things down they are not comfortable saying, then one of the topics in the family meeting could be from the journal if the child wishes to refer to his or her journal for subject matter. Allowing your child to express their concerns in the fashion of dreams is also encouraged. Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin was successful with encouraging lyric writing. Even if your child forms their statement in reference to a friend or someone else, consider they may be trying to tell you something about themselves.

Dr. Amy Hammel-Zabin asks Alan to comment on the importance of family communication, "Saying 'I love you' to a child who is totally convinced that you don't even know him, and that if you did, you could never love him, simply isn't enough. First, we need to make that child feel that he or she really is important to us and that what we love is all of them, including their bad parts, their fears, and their failures. Somehow, we need to begin to say I love you...who you are...not what you are. And we desperately need to learn that communication is only one part talking, followed by one part listening. I abused so many innocent children simply because I was willing to listen and to let them see my imperfections." page 213, para.4. The importance of this statement cannot be overemphasized. If we as parents are able to remove this important tool pedophiles use then we are one huge step closer to protecting our children and empowering them to protect themselves.

Amy discusses the following seven critical paths of communication with your child and strategies to accomplish open communication:

1. empowerment - "Perhaps the easiest way to raise children who trust their own opinions is to let them know early on that their opinions have real value. Give your children choices in their daily lives - what they want for dinner, what they wear to school, where the family goes on short trips. Even though many of these choices may seem inconsequential at the time, they serve to build a child's self-esteem as well as the sense that they exercise a degree of control over their own lives." page 216, para. 3
   
2. secrecy versus privacy - "Let your children know that they can trust you. Demonstrate that you are able to keep their confidences, and always respect their desire for confidentiality, even if you don't entirely understand their reasons. Structure your confidences in such a way that avoids bargaining or bribery." page 119, para. 3,
   
3. the open door policy - "The open-door policy should apply to all family members. Try to ensure that there is interaction among all members of the family, including the adults." page 220, para. 2.
4. ask and be told - "Here again, you will encourage your child to be more communicative if you are forthcoming with details of your days, as well. Coax your kids to ask you questions: How was work? What happened at your meeting? Where did you go for lunch?" page 221, para. 2.
   
5. pay attention - "We need to remind ourselves to look at our children's bodies and listen to their feelings about them. Why does his head hurt before church each week? Why does she get a stomachache right before the baby-sitter arrives? page 222, para. 1.
   
6. try to understand - "As your child speaks of an upsetting situation, try phrases like 'that must have been awful' or 'I hear you saying ______'. This helps the child feel that your are truly attentive and are getting the gist of the situation. Ask for clarification if you don't understand something, and do this in a gentle way. 'I need help getting what you meant when you said she _____What does that mean?" page 223, para. 2.
   
7. trust your gut - "Perhaps we can't do better than the old adage: Better safe than sorry. Apply it to all the relationships your child has with other people. You don't have to become hypervigilant or sever ties with anyone who makes you uncomfortable without apparent reason, but it does mean you must be cautious. Don't leave your child alone with anyone who makes you uneasy, even if that person is a relative." page 224, para. 2
   

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